Dearest Loyal Readers,

For the past few weeks, I've been pretty whiny and irresponsible. I've been moody and lazy and feel like most of my posts have just been me rambling on about stupid things. And it's not just my blog. I've missed classes, not done homework, laid around a lot, and gotten others to do stuff for me because I couldn't be bothered. In other words, I've sucked. Admitting how much I've sucked these past few weeks is hard; I'm fighting the urge to delete this with every word.

My sucky self would like you to know that this is only because my body is sore and stiff and I have no decent way around any more. It wants you to know that this isn't how I "usually" am, that I'm "normally" a much better person, truly incredible and all.

But my sucky self makes a lot of excuses and doesn't do anything to change. I'm not a fan of my sucky self. On the surface, it's a lot easier to be my sucky self, but it always ends up being miserable. And misery leads to suckiness.

So I've decided I want to be more, be better. I'm swearing right here, up on the internet for the whole world to see, that I am going to man up and deal with the stupid "problem" I've turned into my excuse. I'm going to make a doctor's appointment, save up money, buy lights for my bike, and get used to biking around my hilly hometown in the meantime. My parents can't afford to get another car, and our insurance company is so bogged down that it'll likely be months before we see a penny, so it's on me to pay. So what if my lack-of-car is, by law, 0% my fault? It's not my parents' fault either.

Loyal readers, I promise you that I'm taking ownership of my actions over the past few weeks and I'm going to do something about me. I can't possibly think I deserve the right to lead or influence anyone when I cannot lead my own self. Please hold me to my words; I'm going to take care of myself and stop letting stupid excuses stop me from doing the things I must.

Thank God it's Friday. Only one class today, a long-needed a visit with a good friend, and then free time to write the 10-page paper due in less than a week that I haven't even started researching. And I'll set up my doctor's appointment.

Anxiety

Last night was one of those nights. I just couldn't focus. My head was all over the place. I couldn't play guitar during rehearsal. I wrote blog post after blog post of incomplete ideas, never actually finishing.

I'm a mess. It's "last night" as I write this, and I've just given up on writing anything meaningful. I'm too anxious. And it's not even for auditions tomorrow. I could care less. Tomorrow could have already gone by, and I wouldn't even notice. I'm just senselessly anxious.

Actually, I'm just anxious to have my degree already. I want to be done with college, done with worrying about my grades. I hate worrying about grades. I want to worry about my learning and my impact on the world, not pointless validation through percentages. I think I'm going to fail all of my classes this semester. Maybe I should just go join the circus. Or the army.

Part of me wants to just skip the college because, hey, who needs it? I'm a freelance awesome person! But the idea of any of my students blowing off college like I'd sure love to scares me. A lot. I don't want them thinking being a lazy bum is the way to go. And if I ever want to be a doctor or vet or lawyer or teacher or just about anything other than a freelance awesome person, I need my degree.

And that's the problem. I need it. I'm terrified to fail because failing isn't an option. I hate that. Failing should be a requirement; you learn from failure. Oh boy, do you learn from failure! But the way GPAs and admissions work, failure might as well be the end of the world and the end of your hope to get into any kind of decent university. There is NO WAY that USC is ever going to accept me after they see the terrible grades I'm doomed to get this semester.

I can't function without a car. I haven't done any homework since having a car. It's horrible. I just need a car, and then I can beg my teachers to let me make up for sucking so much the past two weeks.

I have a headache. Oh, anxiety.

On Crashing Classes

We've made it to Friday. Rejoice! Week one of classes (for me and my classmates, at least), is finally at it's end. A sense of regularity and calm is starting to fall over campus, contrasting dramatically with the confusion and chaos we faced at the beginning of the week. Classes are filled, and teachers are beginning to push past their "Don't cheat, plagiarise, or slap each other in my class" and "This class is called Spanish; if you thought you were going to learn how to juggle, now is the time to leave" dummy talk and into the real class. It's exciting.

But today is Friday, and I said I'd talk about crashing classes this week. So I will!

I didn't really end up crashing much. It was actually really easy for me. The classes I was already signed up for were pretty much what I wanted, except that the Wednesday night class needed to go. So I found Women in American Society and, through the Art of Knowing the Right People, I got my add code the first day, avoided the risky lottery, and dropped my Wednesday night class before Wednesday even came about.

So my number one piece of advice for course crashing is this: stand out. And I don't mean just sit around and play the amplified cactus on the street corner every night. What I mean is walk up to your professor, introduce yourself, and let him/her know you want to be in his/her class. Show them.

Don't show up late. I know some schools have it so if you want to add, you come after class, but you know what? Come before class. Get there early, talk to the professor, and if you're told to come by at the end of class, make sure you're there right away. Don't harass the professor, but stand out by proving that you care and you want this class.

Friendliness is such an important trait to have too, and it's something I know I need to work on. But when you can be both serious/determined and still friendly and cheerful, it's not just professors who will remember you. And being remembered (for good qualities, not bad) is beyond value; when someone knows, respects, and likes you, they're much more willing to do favours for you. Like put in a good word for you or recommend you.

You want classes? Prove why you, of all the people fighting for a spot, should have the spot. That, or either get really lucky on the lottery draw or just kill off students until there's room for you.