On Not Sleeping

You know what sucks? Forgetting that, in your rush to get over to band rehearsal, you managed to completely not post a blog or even finish. Luckily, you woke up at three-something-in-the-morning, so you could write! Right?

Wrong. At three-something-in-the-morning, my brain was not properly functioning, and I was in a half asleep, half awake fog until six when I finally started to re-join reality and took a shower. And so the usual morning business started. Waking my brother up, feeding the dog, re-waking my brother up because he hadn't really woken up and was still dead in bed, eating breakfast, forgetting the dog outside, realising that my phone battery was nearly dead and thus plugging it in, telling my brother for the umpteenth time that lying in bed grumbling at me does not count as being "up," reading a book for a 10-page paper I need to write tonight and finish tomorrow night, making lesson plans in my head, checking my email, and then suddenly realising that, oh shoot, I never posted a blog!

That's my Tuesday so far. Pretty typical, minus waking up at three-something-in-the-morning; my body usually wakes me up right at sunrise, but with the gloomy weather we've been having, my body is terrified of accidentally sleeping in and has now moved to waking me up incredibly early after my not going to bed at a "decent hour". I have to get back to going to bed before midnight at the earliest. It's always one excuse after another though.

Last night, it was my brother wandering into the family room (where the computer I generally use is), sneaking onto the couch, and then breaking down into crying. It was well past his bedtime. So I sat down next to the couch and started talking to him to find out what was wrong. Apparently, his 10-year-old mind had come to the conclusion that, "The world is going to end," and this was just the worst thing imaginable. Obviously, he couldn't sleep.

It's actually pretty common that he gets up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. As I laid in bed last night to sleep, my mind wouldn't shut down either, and I could not, for the life of me, get to sleep for sometime. I can't assure him that he'll be able to sleep easily in the future, because I've always gotten little sleep, and I hear it from those older than me all the time about not sleeping. Babies can't even sleep through the night. For some reason, we humans, at least in our society, can't sleep all night unless we completely exhaust ourselves and have no choice but passing out like we're dead.

I like passing out like I'm dead. I generally sleep quite well, despite not getting to bed at that magical "decent hour" we idolise and still getting up as the sun rises, because I'm always so exhausted, that I'm out like a rock whenever I sleep. My body is like, "Screw it, I'm exhausted. Let's just be dead for awhile, yeah?" It's a really good actor too.

My brother finally went to sleep after a long talk about science and life and religion and race and the Middle East and earthquakes and New Orleans and Where the Wild Berries Grow. He loves to tell me ideas he has for the play, and he gave me a few good ones last night. I really have to wonder sometimes whether he's really going to be a lawyer like he claims; his mind is too thrilled by physically creating things, just like mine. We'll see. Once we get enough sleep.

Urgency

It's weird how certain things all seem to happen at the exact right moment. In my class last night (at my church), one of the speakers talked about a phone call she received at just the right moment and how, had she received the call at any other moment, she would have said no to the rector of my church's request for her to move all the way out here from North Carolina to serve in Pastoral Care here.

Last night's class came at the exact right moment for me. The whole course did, really. Yesterday, as I sat at the computer, trying to type up today's blog, my mind was consumed not with the usual obsessing over school and work (ha, "work") and band and all my usual day-to-day nonsense but with the idea that the moment was coming that my current routines would all end and I would have no choice but to leave. I always seem to be talking about and dreaming about all the things I'm going to change at the high school while working there, but yesterday, my mind was lost in the understanding that I would only be there a little while longer.

Class last night made me come to a realisation about something else we had talked about in a previous meeting: the sense of urgency that the church as a whole has. That day, we were talking about what we wanted to find in church, and I said I wanted to find peace and safety from the urgency of my every day life. At that time, I was overwhelmed; I needed refuge. It had been a horrible day, and so much going on had been stressing me out. Urgency was the last thing I wanted.

But I found the urgency last night. As we talked about those life-changing moments, about being called to begin a new chapter of our lives, I realised that the chapter I'm in right now will soon end. Suddenly, I began to feel urgent. I no longer have forever to take this theatre program and turn it into a force of nature; it has to be a force of nature now. Because who knows? I could be called to do something else at any moment, and I have to be ready.

I'm not ready. Not yet. But I have little time. Perhaps a year or two more, and then I will have to leave. I can feel that it is coming, and a new sense of urgency is filling inside me. I want to change this school, these kids, but I only have so much time to do it. Soon, my time will be up, and I will lose my chance to act.

I feel urgent. I am urgent.