Discombobulation

I missed a day again, I know. Things have been crazy. I'm exhausted. I'm happy. I feel like I have a fever, but it's just because the weather got ridiculously hot again. And now it's supposed to rain tomorrow. Or today, I guess, by the time you read this.

The play I wrote is officially being put on at the school! I'm very happy. It was such a long day today. Yesterday. First day back to class (though only one of them), and then rushing off to meet with the principal, only to have him tell me that I needed to go talk to the drama teacher and after school program, as I had been doing since LAST YEAR, and got sent over to him by them. So I went back to the after school program, found out why the guy in charge last year stopped answering my questions about working with the after school program: he wasn't part of it anymore. Whatever. The new guy was easy to work with, totally on board pretty much immediately, once we determined that I could meet basic requirements for working for the program. He said he liked people who were passionate about what they do. I think I'm passionate.

I need a new paragraph. So then I ran in my heels and aching spine straight to the choir room, happily announced that the play was happening (I already knew the drama teacher was behind me), and started getting information out to students. The bell rang, it was the next class, I gave information to those students too, and then I finally ran off (yes, ran again) to the drama teacher, got bombared with hugs from old classmates, and gave him the script. More information distribution, running around, etc. for another hour at least.

By the time I got home, I had to lay down. So exhausted. I still am. And my brain is really exhausted. I was going on adrenaline almost the entire day, since I didn't actually have the energy to do all I did today with my body being such a mess. It's like spending money you don't have. Now I've got these nasty bills to deal with and no money to pay them with. Except it's energy, not money.

I'm staying home tomorrow. Maybe I'll be able to think more clearly and write something interesting, rather than this rambling nonsense.

Sorry about the lack of post yesterday. I was up all night working on the script and not blogging. And then I crashed. And I'm about to crash again right now, so this post is done. Happy Wednesday?

I Hate Blogging

I hate blogging. Today is supposed to be some kind of creative writing, but to hell with that. To hell with blogging. This is supposed to be making me a better writer?

"The Artist's Way" program says to write 3 pages every morning. Of anything. No matter how bad, nonsensical, incorrect, etc. I can't do it. I don't believe I even have writer's block. I can get over it on my own, thanks, Julia Cameron. I don't need anyone else's methods or tricks; I have my own: blogging.

Well, blogging daily is stupid. Some days (more like most days), I don't have anything interesting to say. My life isn't all that interesting; the only person who reads this is probably just my mom. Like I couldn't just drive over and talk to her in person.

But blogging daily isn't just about having readers. It's about becoming a better writer, reflecting on my own life and growth as a person, having a reason to make my life interesting, and actually following through with something. Every. Single. Day. I hate blogging because it's inconvenient and has no direct benefits. But every once in awhile, someone clicks and ad and I get a little closer to reaching the $100 of AdSense revenue I need to finally get my first paycheck from Google. Oh, the things I could buy with that first check. (Like this Melodica I'll probably end up buying after I get my scholarship money, even though I should be patient and just beg for it for Christmas.)

And, though I would rather not admit it in my current I-hate-blogging state, blogging daily pressures me into continuing to write and reflect and grow even when it gets gross and uncomfortable. A few minutes before starting this post, I flung myself on my kitchen floor and mourned my tragic life, (Caused, of course, by my car: the never ending stream of broken headlights, tail lights going out, check engine turning light on, gas vanishing, and no money to pay for any of it.) hoping I might just fall asleep right there and wake up to find things better. The thought of sleep was the happiest thought I had at the moment, and then it hit me: I needed to write up the blog post for Saturday morning. Crap.

I should be sleeping right now. Lying somewhere, crying myself to sleep over my actually pretty easy life. But instead, I'm smiling as I finish up a blog post I didn't want to write.

I hate blogging because it forces me to face reality: that my life is really great and I have no reason to complain. Why can't I have a miserable life so I can complain? Stupid blogging, making me think. Making me WRITE.

Watch out, NaNoWriMo, I'm going to be more than ready for you this year. I love blogging.

Thinking

I have an interview later today. I had no idea how nervous I was until I completely blanked and panicked on my English quiz. I'm sure I knew all the answers, but my mind was a complete blank. Burnt out, no doubt, from all the constant thinking it has been doing:

1. College thinking! "Should I take English 1A over the summer? If I placed into a math class much higher than needed for my major, should I even take math? How am I going to come up with all these thousands of dollars? I need a perfect 4.0 in all my classes to transfer and get the scholarships I need, but I have to work as many hours as possible to save up money, but I'm supposed to be working on as many film projects as possible to give myself a leg up over other applicants and aspiring filmmakers, but AHHHHHHH!!"

2. Interview thinking! "Should I wear make-up? I never wear make up! What should I wear? Is red too strong of a colour? Should I wear the big, expensive-looking coat, or the cheap, possibly more professional-looking jacket? Where did all my artwork for my portfolio go? Why is my resume such crap? What do I do with my hair? Should I wear heels? I don't have any shoes to wear! What time was the interview again? What do I say? What if I look stupid? This is stupid!"

3. Food thinking! "I'm hungry. Why is there no food in my house?"

4. School thinking! "What do you mean we were supposed to read? Why are we still pretending like the school year isn't over? Final project?? WHAT??"

5. Work thinking! "Why can't I find this font? Did I scan that right? How do you work this machine again? Adobe CS1??? But I use CS4! What am I supposed to be doing??"

6. Thinking thinking! "What am I supposed to be thinking about?"

As you can see, I'm quite thoughtful. Wish me luck!