A Talented Little Bitch

Sometimes, I really just get tired of leading. I just want to sit back on the sidelines and let someone else handle things. I want to be comfortable in the passenger seat and NOT have to give directions while I'm there either. Sometimes, I don't want to direct productions because I just want to be one of the people on stage. I want to be able to worry about me and me only. I want to focus so intensely on one character, one role, one aspect of the production, that I get to know every detail of it. I want to be perfect at something.

I feel cheated. I never got that. I'm intensely jealous of people who were born to be main characters, to be the center of attention, including their own. I'm jealous of everyone who gets cast as a lead because performing is what they're best at. I feel like I must be a bad performer then, even though I know that's not true. I was the director. I always have been. I should be happy. People are jealous of ME. I'm a talented little bitch, and I know it. But it's just tiring.

Being a lead in a show seems so easy. So much less stressful. Letting others lead would be nice. When there are other capable leaders handling things, I always feel so much better and so much more comfortable worrying about myself. But if I'm the best-suited to lead? Then I'm stuck leading and worrying about everyone.

I know I'm meant to lead. It's what I'm supposed to do. And, more than anything, that's why I hate it. It's much easier to do things you don't have to do, things that you can screw up and no one will care. But I have no choice: leading has been a part of me since I was a shy, awkward, little kid. I can hide in the crowd for only so long before the inescapable desire to lead takes over me, and I am forced to either follow my destiny or stick with the depressive torment of pretending to be like everyone I was so jealous of growing up, all the people who were really good at one particular thing. I was never like that. I dapple. I can't master anything because I'm too busy trying to master half a million other things simultaneously.

Sometimes, I really just get tired of not leading. I just want to be a good leader.

P. S. Yes, I am doing M/W/F updates now, in case you hadn't noticed.