Buried Treasure

Okay, I'll admit it: I miss blogging daily. I should focus on NaNo, but I need to blog. It makes me think and reflect even when I don't want to. Blogging, as annoying as it gets sometimes, is fun. It's freeing, liberating—it understands me. You understand me. Even if you don't.

When I blog, I explore a little corner of my mind, find some buried treasures, and re-organise everything so I can find those treasures more easily next time. Blogging, for me, is a never-ending process of cleaning and discovering and re-organising what's in my head. And translating. Somehow, the clutter must be turned into coherent words for others to understand, and the process of doing so helps me to appreciate my own self more.

I cannot stay mad when I blog. If I'm angry or upset or unhappy in anyway, blogging helps me see what's bothering me, and then, more importantly, find a way out. Blogging gives me solutions to the problems lost within my cluttered head, even if it never spells anything out for me.

Without blogging, I don't think I would have made it to today, to the point I am at right now. I wouldn't be able to hold the weight of all the things I hold if I did not take time every day to make sense of everything. Because what I do is not just narrate, but analyse. I have to analyse. I'm incredibly analytical, even if, for those who know me beyond this blog, I'm also incredibly emotional.

Blogging has helped me come to realise who I am, in a way. I've learned to throw out the either or definitions and embrace my own definitions of fluidity. Because nothing is black and white. I'm not only analytical or only emotional; I'm not only feminine or only masculine; I'm not only extroverted or introverted—I am all that and more.

I like those silly "How male/female are you?" checkbox tests, actually. I mean, the criteria for being male and the criteria for being female are both incredibly stupid, but a high "male" score doesn't mean a low "female" score, nor does a low male score mean a high female score. You could be anywhere from 0% male and 0% female to 100% male and 100% female. Masculinity does not mean the absence of femininity just as femininity does not mean the absence of masculinity. Nor does introspection mean a lack of extroversion or emotion a lack of logic.

I know this instinctively. It's in my nature to recognise this. Blogging has helped me dig this inborn instinct out from underneath all the learned ideas about society and human nature from my environment and culture. With every moment I spend blogging, I am digging up more and more buried treasures, all the things I knew before society burdened me with conflicting knowledge.

I'm back to blogging every day already.

Dearest readers,

I have a confession to make: I am a procrastinator. There. I said it! Despite my wondrous ability to get myself ahead of schedule and write the week's post early in the week, I do procrastinate. My name is Elizabeth, and I am a procrastiholic. I have searched and searched for a cure, but found none. I have looked high and scoured low. I have dug through the earth and sailed through the sky. I have spent lifetimes probing for the cure to procrastination, and still could not find one.

There is no such thing as a cure, for procrastination does exist because everything is procrastination. It's Thursday night, and I had a snarky post written up, but got home too exhausted to draw the pictures that it needed. I had nearly all week to draw them, but I did other things instead and never got to drawing them. That's what we call procrastination.

Right now, I am procrastinating on much needed sleep. And yet I am completing a task I deem important: writing up my usual blog post. Every time I write these posts, I am procrastinating; there is something else "more important" that I could be doing. Always. I have never done the most important thing ever. Never have, never will. I don't even know what it is, but I am sure as heck procrastinating on it. I'm taking classes and getting a college degree when I could be building up my community arts company and "jump-starting my career." I'm learning to play guitar when I could be learning how to perform CPR. I'm writing and directing for high schoolers when I could be mailing off manuscripts to publishers. Everything I do is a procrastination of some kind. I think procrastination is a wonderful thing. I don't want a cure. If I stopped procrastinating, just imagine all the things I wouldn't do!

But procrastination is dangerous. You have to use it wisely. Handle with care. Procrastination can be not only unproductive, but even destructive. And boy, do my brain cells die when that darn TV is on and my distraction-seeking mind clings to it and leaves behind whatever procrastination I had previously been busying myself with. Procrastination can also lend itself to things like not sleeping, not eating, or too much of one or both, and that's not healthy.

So this week's lesson, dear readers, is to recognise that you are procrastinating. Always. Embrace procrastination. Happily declare that you are, in fact, a procrastinator! Buy a "Proud Procrastinator" T-shirt!* Never again feel shame for procrastinating!

But of course, be sure to stick to the good, productive, nondestructive procrastination. Easy, right?

*I was kidding about the T-shirts, unless people actually wanted them. The design will be up Sunday, and that'll be the new poll. Unless you guys give me strong feedback before then.

Epileptic Dwarf

Last week was great. I was way up high on the blogging rollercoaster, overlooking miles and miles of endless worlds. I was so excited, I got all my posts for the whole week done Tuesday. It was an easy week. I just sat back and watched as my blog views went up on their own.

And then the views started going down. Like they always do on the weekends. And I tried to get some blogs for the week written ahead of time, but nothing came out. Nothing sounded good. I was too demoralised from the weekend lows. So now it's almost 11PM Monday night, I'm exhausted, sick, hungry, and wanting nothing more than to just sleep right now. But I have to blog. So I go catch up on webcomics.

I'm thinking I should switch to doing comics. Make jokes and draw kitties? Boy am I in the wrong "profession"! And then, of course, it occurs to me that I'm not that funny and every cat I draw ends up looking like an epileptic dwarf with a crack problem. Comics are too much work. So I gaze through my inbox.

There's a message from a writer. I need to write him back, but I've forced myself to blog first. It gives me time to get past the giddy excitement and respond reasonably and calmly. But if this writer's book is as good as the first page, and if he can put some blind faith in me, Ironic Sea Serpent Books is going to start turning into a real publishing company soon. As if all my dreams weren't already coming true enough.

I guess I have no reason to be so demoralised whenever my blog views are lower than I'd like. Even this post, no matter how stupid this is, is going to be read at least 20 times. TWENTY TIMES! I can't even believe that. And it'll probably get more like 30-40, since it's a Tuesday post. And it's just me rambling pessimistically.

I'm ashamed of not being happy 24/7. Blog views is such a stupid thing to complain about. And it makes me so mad at myself that I have to force myself through the pity party until I reach the end and realise that, hey, my life is pretty good. So good, that I'm starting to feel like I can't even dream fast enough any more.

New dream: start a webcomic about an epileptic dwarf with a crack problem.

P. S. Thanks for reading my blog, even when I'm demoralised, moody, and unappreciative. Every time someone views my blog, I feel a little more ready to conquer the world.

P. P. S. I just looked at my comments, and I saw that I had two new comments today, both of which made me smile. Why are you guys so wonderful? Thanks. I'll keep blogging.

Surprise!

Want to know what the two surprises I mentioned on my Facebook page Saturday are? If you read yesterday's post, you'll understand when I explain this first one:

Sundays are back! But not like you remember them: I'm going to be scanning old notebook pages, drawings, writings, and all sorts of things, and posting them up here. It'll range from really old (like elementary school days) stuff to current projects, but it'll all be original, hand-made work. Messy, chaotic, full of mistakes, and most importantly: human. I want to go back to crossed out mistakes, eraser smudges, illegible writing, doodles in the margins, and all the evidence of the imperfect path taken to make something. I want to make something more than just a serious of zeros and ones displayed as pixels on a computer screen. I want to create.

Surprise number two is the announcement of the free art giveaway contest winners: everyone! Insert maniacal laughter here. I tricked you all! That was the plan all along! It's my gift to you for supporting me. I am constantly amazed at all the support I have; you guys are absolutely incredible. So I hope you enjoy the art. It's going to take me awhile to do it all, since I am pretty busy, but just be patient and I'll get the art to you as soon as I can.

Anyway, if you haven't noticed yet, there is a poll on the top of my sidebar. I would love if you voted in it. And I'd especially love blog comments (or Facebook ones). I love hearing from you guys. Honest! I'd rather this blog be a community and a conversation than just a lonely or tyrannical monologue.

Have a wonderful week!

P. S. I have a meeting with the PHS principal a week from tomorrow. Updates about PHS's theatre program will henceforth be posted on the Ironic Sea Serpent blog and Facebook page.

Goodbye Sundays

I've decided, after a month of daily blogging, that I'm going to do away with regular Sunday blogs and spend my time a little more freely and a little less scheduled-y. Some Sundays, I might post, but those will be extra posts. Added bonuses. So while I go enjoy life with a little more spontaneity on the weekends, I suggest you do the same. Take one day out of the week to do whatever you want, and not what you have to do. Google's 20% time, real world style! Or something. I'm exhausted from a great (and not yet over) weekend. See you tomorrow!

Automated Blogging

This shouldn't have surprised me, but it did: automated blogging.

So I saw on some person who followed me on Twitter's little sidebar something about making a 6-figure income via blogging without doing anything. I laughed. "You call writing not doing anything? Hell, writing can get utterly exhausting." And then I clicked and realised I was having a moment of naiveté.

Apparently, automated blogging has you come up with a few keywords fro your new blog, and then it scours the internet, RSS feeds, etc. and piles content together and posts it for you. Then it also has traffic generating features like lying to Google. In other words, it takes other people's work and calls it yours and it slaps Google in the face. Funny thing about other people and Google: they like their work and dislike slaps in the face.

I don't understand how someone falls into this "automated blogging" scam. Are they so devoid of shame and creativity that automated blogging just seems like the perfect way to go? Or do they have such a lack of self-confidence that they think a computer is more interesting than themselves?

As much as I'd love more traffic, I want traffic reading my blog because what I have to say seems worth their time. I want to know that my words are reaching someone, somewhere. Whenever I write here, I try to be sure to stay 100% true to myself and exemplify what I wish the world could be. And in being honest, I try to own up to my fallings too. So when someone reads my blog and then keeps coming back, they're here for me, for the things that I believe in. I don't think my ego could stand competing with an automatic blogger. (My ego thinks it's more interesting than a computer.)

What are your thoughts?

I Hate Blogging

I hate blogging. Today is supposed to be some kind of creative writing, but to hell with that. To hell with blogging. This is supposed to be making me a better writer?

"The Artist's Way" program says to write 3 pages every morning. Of anything. No matter how bad, nonsensical, incorrect, etc. I can't do it. I don't believe I even have writer's block. I can get over it on my own, thanks, Julia Cameron. I don't need anyone else's methods or tricks; I have my own: blogging.

Well, blogging daily is stupid. Some days (more like most days), I don't have anything interesting to say. My life isn't all that interesting; the only person who reads this is probably just my mom. Like I couldn't just drive over and talk to her in person.

But blogging daily isn't just about having readers. It's about becoming a better writer, reflecting on my own life and growth as a person, having a reason to make my life interesting, and actually following through with something. Every. Single. Day. I hate blogging because it's inconvenient and has no direct benefits. But every once in awhile, someone clicks and ad and I get a little closer to reaching the $100 of AdSense revenue I need to finally get my first paycheck from Google. Oh, the things I could buy with that first check. (Like this Melodica I'll probably end up buying after I get my scholarship money, even though I should be patient and just beg for it for Christmas.)

And, though I would rather not admit it in my current I-hate-blogging state, blogging daily pressures me into continuing to write and reflect and grow even when it gets gross and uncomfortable. A few minutes before starting this post, I flung myself on my kitchen floor and mourned my tragic life, (Caused, of course, by my car: the never ending stream of broken headlights, tail lights going out, check engine turning light on, gas vanishing, and no money to pay for any of it.) hoping I might just fall asleep right there and wake up to find things better. The thought of sleep was the happiest thought I had at the moment, and then it hit me: I needed to write up the blog post for Saturday morning. Crap.

I should be sleeping right now. Lying somewhere, crying myself to sleep over my actually pretty easy life. But instead, I'm smiling as I finish up a blog post I didn't want to write.

I hate blogging because it forces me to face reality: that my life is really great and I have no reason to complain. Why can't I have a miserable life so I can complain? Stupid blogging, making me think. Making me WRITE.

Watch out, NaNoWriMo, I'm going to be more than ready for you this year. I love blogging.

Blog Changes

Happy Thursday, world!

Apparently, there was an issue with getting this blog up at 5AM. Whoops. Turns out I was right in my last post: just a lazy, unmotivated, irresponsible artist-slacker. Anyway, I have some "changes" planned that this blog will soon be undergoing. Input would be great!

I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I'd like to get the blog onto a better schedule than just "Hey, this is the totally random topic I decided to write about today!" sort of thing we've got going on right now. To fix this, I thought I'd make each day of the week have a specific "category" the posts would be under. Problem is, I don't really have any specific categories I can think of implementing, save for two days creative writing on the weekends. Yeah, creative writing.

Saturday mornings will be stand-alone, any kind of writing, short stories of my choosing. Sunday mornings though, will be an on-going story which readers will influence and vote upon. Like "Choose your ending" stories. Each week, they'll end with a choice, and readers will vote on what choice is made. You'll also be able to vote to change any other detail of the story, from characters to plot to setting to genre even. It's up to you, the readers.

But I don't know what to do for M-F. I think Mondays will end up being a sum up of the previous week and what's to come in the week to follow, at least as it relates to my arts and career endeavours. But the other days? Not really sure. Maybe review a book or play or music or some sort on Tuesdays, current event on Wednesdays, ? on Thursdays, and some sort of "I've learned that . . ." anecdote on Fridays? I suppose Thursdays could be another review. Tuesday through Thursday is what I'm most unsure about.

Well, I have a few more days to figure it out. But expect tomorrow to be a life lesson anecdote, Saturday to be a story, and Sunday to be the first of the reader-voted story! (And Monday to be a weekly update on my mildly interesting life.) Hopefully, I get better ideas before Tuesday's post.