Battle for My Soul

There are too many things on my mind for me to write a coherent post. My mind has been in civil war for weeks now. Months, even! There is a battle for my soul taking place right now, and I am utterly powerless as I watch as a spectator outside of my own self. Whatever sense of control I once had is gone. I am completely out of control. Free will is a joke.

What happened to me? I keep trying to retrace my steps and pinpoint the moment I lost control and my free will was stripped from me, and yet I don't know that I ever had free will. What choices do I have? What choices have I ever had? I feel myself dying. And yet it is not death like you'd expect; it is liberation. In dying, I have new birth, like a phoenix. My soul is being pushed and pulled and stretched in every direction, ripped and torn and yanked and slashed. Strained. Expanded!

I want to cry nearly every day. Whatever is going on is beyond painful. I am fighting an internal battle, and no amount of external support has been able to do a damn thing. Either I will make it through this on my own and be transformed into something incredible, or I will die. I have consumed a powerful mass, and either it shall consume me, or I shall consume it. Either I perish, or I absorb the strength, the might, the wisdom of something much greater than me.

I could choose not to fight. Even now, so deeply invested in this war, I could choose to flee. I could lock away my soul forever, and declare it no one's. Let me live out this earthly life in safety, not war.

That option doesn't feel like an option. As painful as this internal war is, my soul has already been caged. My soul has been beaten and bruised, scarred and abused, locked away with no air. My soul is dying, and I am well aware of that fact.  To lock it away would be to destroy it for good. I would live soulless. Is earthly life so great that I should live with no soul?

I have revoked control. My pride is crumbling helplessly under the might of powers greater than I. I have placed all of my faith in a God in whom I do not even believe, and this faith is all that I have. I am stripped of free will, of human might, of all that has made me "worthy of praise." Am I worthy of praise? I think not. I am helpless and weak. I cannot do anything, even control my own fate. I am a pawn in the fight for justice. My life is not mine to claim. I was built to be a vessel of God's will, not mine.

I hate how Christian I sound. I hate Christianity; I hate the God of Christians. I am angry and hurt. Still. How many years has it been? I don't care. I do not want to forgive Christianity for its crimes against me, nor do I want to forgive the Christian God for "His" crimes against me. Where was this so-called loving God when "His" people broke the soul of "His" daughter. Was not I a child of God? Or were the Christians right? Who the hell is God anyway? God, who let me live with an insatiable feeling of desperate homesickness for so many years! God, who just let my friend take his life! God, who sat idly while every voice around me spoke only hateful judgement! Where was God's justice? Not on earth, that's for sure.

And this is my battle. A war with God for my soul. Revolution. I want to believe, and I want to forgive. I want to happily give myself up without fear, but I am terrified. I am crumbling.