A Foolish Struggle

I want to want wisdom, true wisdom. I've spent many years having my ego inflated with comments about my being "wise beyond my years" or an "old soul" or something like that. My ego longs for more. More, more, more! So often, I find myself just finding quick-fix façades of wisdom though, instead of true wisdom. I'm too afraid of admitting that I am not wise to truly gain wisdom. My pride and my ego have too strong of a hold on me.

I stopped praying for wisdom. It seemed silly, after all, to pray for a quick-fix from a God whose divine intervention I doubt. I find it hard to believe that asking God for anything will bring any results; even if God exists and is listening, why would God intervene in my life? Why would God waste his/her/its/their time with intervening in my life? It seems ridiculous. And what? God's going to do it just because little old me asked? It just doesn't make sense.

I took out my Book of Common Prayer, flipped to the Thanksgivings, and just started reading each prayer of thanksgiving out loud, fighting desperately against my ego which sought to get what it could out of this God and then leave God behind, fighting against my own selfishness. "Thank you, Lord." My ego screamed. Over and over and over again. The ego which mocks me for my (hesitant) belief in God and makes my fight against my own hatred of organised religion even harder. Organised religion has burned me, has scarred me, and every time I see or hear words like, "God," "Jesus," "faith, "prayer," and so many others, all of the pains the church has caused me come right back.

And my ego laughs at my foolish struggle. Why fight to have faith? What is the good of faith? Why should I subject myself to the pains of my past, pains brought on by the followers of the very God I wish to be close to? Why suffer? This is utterly foolish. My recent breakdown was brought on by church, by faith. Why should I force myself to relive the pain of my childhood? It was buried deep in the past; why should I have to "deal with" and "reconcile" my past?

We give you thanks, most gracious God, for the beauty of the earth and sky and sea; for the richness of mountains plains, and rivers; for the songs of birds and the loveliness of flowers. We praise you for these good gifts, and pray that we may safeguard them for our posterity. Grant that we may continue to grow in our grateful enjoyment of your abundant creation, to the honour and glory of your Name, now and forever. Amen.

I don't know what else to do but pray. I hate prayer. I cannot bow my head and clasp my hands together; this feels like submission to the hateful religious leaders of my childhood. It feels like self-mutilation and self-destruction. It feels like bowing to a wretched dictator. My very being rebels against this submission. I hate submission because I was forced again and again into submission by "God." But that "God" is not the gracious God which created the beauty of the earth and sky and sea; the richness of mountains, plains, and rivers; the songs of birds and the loveliness of flowers. That "God" is not the God I could ever bow before because that "God" rules with fear, not love. The God I once knew and the God I long to know again is a God of love, not fear or hate.

Grant me courage, O God, to love you. Heal my broken, fearful heart, that I may come to know and trust you. Guide me to seek out wisdom and not falsehood. Help me, O God, to be light, not darkness. Envelope me in your peace and guard me from evil. Let me not fear.