Burning Out

I knew this day would come, but I'm surprised it took so long, actually: I am utterly burnt out from church. It's Sunday night, and I just got home after being at church for eleven hours straight, non-stop doing things. Busy, busy, busy. I feel so utterly exhausted. As we sung through the last hymn in the evensong, I was wondering why on earth we had to sing five whole verses. Wasn't one enough?

It's been three full months of this ridiculous "join every activity possible" attitude, and I'm only just now feeling any kind of exhaustion. A little food in my stomach and a chance to just sit down and relax, and I'm already feeling like I could be ready for more by morning when you read this.

I'm emotionally burnt out though. Not from church particularly, but overall. Last week was a very long week, full of inner turmoil, and I'm still recovering. Maybe it's my church's fault for bringing to light all of my unworked-out issues. Maybe I could blame my church for being such a strong positive force in my life that my subconscious figured now would be a good time to launch repressed issues at me and throw me into a "spiritual awakening." Why not blame my church?

I'm glad to be burnt out. I'm glad to feel exhaustion take over me. Because you know what's going to happen now? I am going to rest. My church has pushed me and pushed me to the point of utter exhaustion, but now I get to rest. And I can rest in the church. As exhausted as I was once the day was through, I felt like I could spend even more time there, only resting rather than working.

This is how I know my church is right for me, this is how I know it is home. It is a place where I am pushed and pushed and pushed until I can take no more, and then the moment I have passed my limit, I can rest. And soon, I know, I will be energized again and ready for more pushing, to feel myself grow like a balloon being filled with air and feel my skin stretching and stretching, but never popping. I am being filled with life, even in my exhaustion.