Oh, the pressure is on now. Life lesson? Have I learned anything cool enough?
Um, ACTUALLY, I had a pretty awesome Thursday which was a very good learning experience: I auditioned to be the lead singer of a band.
Let me first say that I got in contact with this band over craigslist. Oh, craigslist, how you make me feel as if I'm covered in a very thin, mildly sticky, and definitely disconcerting film! But I won't deny that craigslist, despite some weirdos, creeps, and scammers, can be good. It's just matter of being careful. So yes, I am careful about who I meet on craigslist.
I saw an ad looking for a female lead singer of a band with a litany of influences. I skimmed the list, and, lo and behold, there were bands like New Order, U2, Joy Division, The Cure, The Smiths, Depeche Mode, etc. Combined with proper English and a very clear and professional-seeming ad (not professional spam; just thought-out), I gathered up the courage to send an email.
The email I got back came from a human being, hurrah! But it turned out the band was two guys: one who was 32, and one who described himself as "older" which could mean anything! They couldn't possibly want an 18-year-old college student, could they? I replied mentioned that I was only a college student, and could understand if they didn't want to work with someone so young, but assured them that I felt ready to handle being a band like an adult rather than a flaky teenager.
The guitarist (the "older" guy) and I arranged to meet at a nearby coffee shop Thursday. I was nervous, of course, but was soon talking with him almost as if I wasn't meeting some guy off craigslist. Very nice guy, and after awhile of talking I felt pretty sure that I really wanted to be part of the band, and he seemed pretty sure that, at least personality-wise, I would be a good fit. Except there was one major problem: he hadn't heard me sing yet. And I was endlessly nervous about singing.
Let me make this clear: I do not audition. Ever. Especially not singing. I probably haven't had an audition for anything since I was 11. And singing? HELL NO. I am a shower singer, a car singer, and only sometimes a choir singer. But I wanted this; I was not going to mess this up. I could do it, I assured myself.
We went to his house a few blocks away (I took my own car, of course, duh. Warning kids: don't go to strangers houses in their cars. BAD IDEA.) where I'd be able to sing with the rough tracks he had already laid out. Their old vocalist could hit notes, and I listened to the rough tracks with her singing a few times before trying to remember the words and sing myself. As I got ready to sing, I looked at my hands: shaking, of course. Heart? Racing. Palms? Sweating profusely. Boy was I nervous. Who was I kidding, trying to audition to be a lead singer when I couldn't sing? My scratchy voice against their old vocalist? No way.
And then I was singing. I was improvising stuff because I forgot the words. I was jamming vocally. I let my voice do what it felt like. And I could hear it back, amplified and echoing. Holy crap, was that my voice? Joe, the guitarist, had this look like, "Wow. We found our vocalist." My heart soared. I sang some more, he recorded it, and then I got to listen to my singing played back, guitars and drums included.
And then it hit me: I wasn't just passable, I was better than the old vocalist. My voice may not have been prettier, but my voice had something hers lacked: emotion. Mind you, hearing your own voice is always just a weird feeling, but in the matter of a few minutes, I went from sure I couldn't sing, to sure I couldn't NOT sing.
I looked my fear and self-doubt straight in the eyes, grabbed that irritating little voice in the back of my head which tells me I can't, and I said no. I took that fear and anxiety and, instead of letting it rule me, I ruled it. Like my acting coach once taught me, I channeled my energy. And I discovered once again that I wasn't giving myself enough credit.
So the lesson? To grab fear by the horns, and ride that wild beast until you are master. That's what I learned today.
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