Liar, Liar

I am a liar. Lies, lies, lies. Is that all I am capable of? Is that all I'll ever be? Just a liar?

I was raised to please and serve others. My interests were always secondary to all others'. I was also raised with integrity: I had to be honest. That's not to say I was selfless, honest, and totally perfect. Not in the least.

I began repressing my spirituality in middle school for various reasons. Being spiritual is definitely not "cool" in middle school. It's almost like believing in Santa, really. And religion is even more uncool amongst the LGBT community, young and old. Worse though was the Christian community I saw which was so deeply hateful with their "God hates _____" signs and warnings of eternal damnation. Should I deny my gender and sexuality in order to fit in with intolerant pricks (as I would have described them then), or come to grips with reality and let go of my childish belief in some mythical "God" to be with the smarter, more welcoming, better people of the LGBT community? It was an obvious choice.

I don't know when I decided I wasn't a "huggy person." It's a ridiculous thing to repress, really. But I was alone. I was incredibly lonely as a child. My best friend was a yellow Labrador retriever. I'm positive that much of my loneliness growing up was due to never feeling as if I had a coherent family unit. I know my parents all did the best they could to give me a good childhood, but I was alone. I hid under tables often. My "hug repression" started incredibly early in my life to the point that I cannot remember ever "being a huggy person." The only way I could cope with being alone was to convince myself that is what I wanted anyway.

Being aware of these repressions does not magically fix the problem. I've come a long way in recent months as far as accepting myself as a religious and spiritual person, but I can see that I still have far to go. I feel very afraid to admit to my "intellectual" friends that I have faith, and I am also quite afraid to admit to other Christians that I'm "Christian." Even more so though, I am incredibly afraid to admit to anyone that I'm even considering becoming a priest. I don't feel "Christian enough," and I'm also afraid of losing the respect of my non-Christian friends.

As far as hugs go, hugs are only the start. It's scary to me still to hug. Not terrifying, but when I think about the fact that I'd like to hug someone or be hugged, I get panicky. Hugs aren't allowed in my screwed up head. Hugs will lead to pain, loneliness, and awkwardness. I give awkward hugs. I know that's not true and any awkwardness in my hugs is a result of my self-fulfilling prophecy, but the little voice in the back of my head is still there. I'm getting over it. There are people I do feel perfectly comfortable hugging. More and more, in fact. 

But then comes the horror of dating. This has very recently started to become a question again. I feel damaged. Broken. The idea of subjecting anyone I care about to my damage makes me feel sick. Why should any one want to date me? Me who is nervous about hugs, let alone any kind of physical affection beyond that. Kissing? Shoot me now. I'm not sure whether I really believe it's disgusting or if I've so deeply repressed any desire to kiss that I believe the lie. I'm starting to think it's more repression, but that doesn't fix the problem. I was once a seven-year-old threatening a classmate with trying to make out; I have got to be repressing.

I don't really have a conclusion for this. I'm not at the end yet. I'm only on my way. One day, I'll laugh at how uncomfortable and nervous and awkward I was as a teenager, even in my 20s (which suddenly don't seem very far at all!), and know that I've come a long way. That's my goal; that's my conclusion.