A Place of Peace

T-minus only a few more hours until my first final. Guess what I did ALL weekend? Yeah, that's right, I studied. It was weird. I've never studied in my life, really. I just don't know how to study. But this weekend was different.

I wasn't home this weekend. I was house (and cat) sitting, so I more or less had the house entirely to myself. (There were electricians installing lights part of the time, but we stayed out of each other's way.) It was weird. Having my own house to myself is nice, but not the same. There was something about it being someone else's home, or, more importantly, not my parents' home, that made it feel . . . free-er? I'm not really sure what word I'm looking for. It was a peaceful freedom, and I started to think about what it'd be like to one day have my own home.

My house is going to have amazing lighting, a beautiful garden, and a kitchen in which you can really get dirty. Open rooms with fewer doors. Big windows. A study full of books and all kinds of arts materials. Maybe I'll get a "sound proof" room to use as a studio. The house won't be huge, but it will be nice.

Dreaming was my only real distraction there. It was quiet (minus electricians) and peaceful, and so I got huge amounts of studying done. I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if I'd ever had a place before this weekend where studying came so easy. Would I have been a straight-A student? Would I have gone to a private high school, gotten into a 4-year with a scholarship, and be well on my way to living the life originally expected of me? Is my definition of myself as someone who cannot function well in our society's education system based on the results of my environment rather than my inherent nature?

That is a scary thought. I'm not sure what to do with it. I never had a place where I felt comfortable enough to study and focus as a child, and by the time I was ten, I was already clearly not fitting in well with the education system. I've always considered this part of my inherent nature, part of how my mind functions, but if it's not, my whole idea of who I am is just blown. I don't know if it's who I am anymore. I don't know who I am.

But it's not a particularly distressing thought. In fact, I'm excited by the idea. It opens up new possibilities. Perhaps all I need to do to get through college, which had seemed so impossible just days ago, is find a peaceful place where I can study and focus. Maybe that's all I've ever needed for years. It's a liberating thought to see that college is still a possibility in my life. Every career which asks for a diploma isn't close for me. Doors have been opened.