I've grown to love anxiety. Not all anxiety, but a certain kind of anxiety: the specific anxiety that comes when you're anxiously awaiting something thoroughly exciting. Anticipation.
I've been wanting to start talking to my cast about their specific roles for what feels like forever. Casting is horrifying, but once it's done, it's overwhelmingly exciting. So the urge to tell everyone what part they got the moment it was officially cast was ridiculous. It was all cast Tuesday afternoon, and now it's Thursday, and I still can't say anything yet! The cast list didn't get put up until last night, since I couldn't get over to the school, so most of the cast will just be finding out today what part they got.
Some people have been bugging me to tell them what part they got. And it's only made it harder not to tell them. I want them all to know NOW. But I don't want to spoil their anticipation. There's an invaluable moment I'd be taking: that magical moment when all the build up anxiety and anticipation about casting finally bursts as you see your name up on the cast list. It's an explosive moment. I've found out my roles other ways before, and it's never quite the same. Being told over the phone, casting myself, knowing from the start, etc. It's just no where near as exciting. I can't take that wonderful moment away from anyone!
I'm anxiously awaiting and anticipating out first full cast (and crew, whoever we have so far) meeting on Monday. I'm incredibly nervous, but it's my cast list moment, the moment I get to see what role I have. I haven't seen any of the students since casting; it'll be like meeting them for the first time all over again! They're no longer students at my local school, but characters I created coming to life right before my eyes!
As a writer, it is your job to make little marks on paper (or a screen) become life within the imaginations of others, but as a director, you have to take the imagination those words create and turn them into something physical, tangible, real. The story, characters, emotion, and all that's in those words must be transformed into reality. Directing is like playing God.
The power of being god-like is addictive, horribly addictive. I'll be the first to admit it. Directing is my crack. And when I can start with nothing, not even a script, and produce an entire reality out of the raw materials around me, it's the ultimate high.
And what's even more incredible is how each person involved in the production is changed. God-like power aside, it's incredibly humbling. All I do is point people in the direction I think things ought to be going, and somehow, I accidentally hit the switch that transforms people into something greater. The whole becomes infinitely greater than the sum of its parts, and I know that it's because of all the wonderful parts, not just my magical ability to be an awesome director.
There is such a fine line between self-confidence and arrogance, between humility and self-depreciation. I am walking that line carefully, but there are so many people surrounding me who keep me in check. I couldn't so this without them, but I know they couldn't do this without me. Somewhere in there, I think I've found both self-confidence and humility. At least a decent amount of both for only being eighteen. Of course, every thinks they've got it all figured out at eighteen. I guess I'll just have to learn what it is I don't know.
I'm anxiously awaiting and anticipating learning. I love learning, and directing teaches me more than anything else I know. That's why I'm so addicted to it; I'm addicted to learning.
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