Anxiety

Last night was one of those nights. I just couldn't focus. My head was all over the place. I couldn't play guitar during rehearsal. I wrote blog post after blog post of incomplete ideas, never actually finishing.

I'm a mess. It's "last night" as I write this, and I've just given up on writing anything meaningful. I'm too anxious. And it's not even for auditions tomorrow. I could care less. Tomorrow could have already gone by, and I wouldn't even notice. I'm just senselessly anxious.

Actually, I'm just anxious to have my degree already. I want to be done with college, done with worrying about my grades. I hate worrying about grades. I want to worry about my learning and my impact on the world, not pointless validation through percentages. I think I'm going to fail all of my classes this semester. Maybe I should just go join the circus. Or the army.

Part of me wants to just skip the college because, hey, who needs it? I'm a freelance awesome person! But the idea of any of my students blowing off college like I'd sure love to scares me. A lot. I don't want them thinking being a lazy bum is the way to go. And if I ever want to be a doctor or vet or lawyer or teacher or just about anything other than a freelance awesome person, I need my degree.

And that's the problem. I need it. I'm terrified to fail because failing isn't an option. I hate that. Failing should be a requirement; you learn from failure. Oh boy, do you learn from failure! But the way GPAs and admissions work, failure might as well be the end of the world and the end of your hope to get into any kind of decent university. There is NO WAY that USC is ever going to accept me after they see the terrible grades I'm doomed to get this semester.

I can't function without a car. I haven't done any homework since having a car. It's horrible. I just need a car, and then I can beg my teachers to let me make up for sucking so much the past two weeks.

I have a headache. Oh, anxiety.