My Big Fat Crush

Last Thursday, I met with the students I will soon be directing. In fact, in two days, they will be nervously getting up on stage in front of me and the rest of their future cast members to audition. You know that jittery feeling you get (or got) when you the girl or guy you like is about to walk by and you want to make sure they notice you and think you're cool but don't want to look like you're trying to hard? That's how I feel.

I have a crush on my job. I really, really like it, but I don't know if it likes me back yet. I think it does. I hope it does. I'm jittery. My heart is doing little leaps. My palms are sweaty. My head is spending every moment analysing and reanalysing everything I said or might say. I had the house to myself the other night, so I sat down and starting talking to my imaginary students, just for practice. I keep texting and calling and Facebooking and spamming and bothering people about my crush. I can't contain it. I'm horrified that my crush might find out though. What if it thinks I'm gross and creepy and weird and stalkerish? I don't want that!

I know the students are nervous too, but they have every bit of naïve faith in me. All they're worried about is whether they're going to impress me or not. Me! When did I become so important? It's frightening. Now I have this image to uphold. I have to act important, be important!

I couldn't stand up on the stage last Thursday and talk to them. I felt so intimidating and so very nervous. So I sat down on the steps, just a little above them. It was better, but they were all just staring at me. That was weird. High schoolers don't do that. They're wild and crazy and don't ever sit still to listen to anyone, especially not some 18-year-old with an over inflated ego who thinks she can direct. But there they were, listening to my every ineloquent word like I was saying something worth listening to. It was crazy. I didn't know how to handle all this new power. I still don't!

I think I'm more nervous for auditions than all of them combined. What if they think I'm running rehearsals all wrong? My student director, theatre expert that he is, will notice every single mistake I make. And the choir director will be there too. What if I screw up and she tells the director of the musical about it? What if they decide letting me be more than just a body to order around would be bad and don't take my input on things this year? What if I go backwards and not forwards?

Blogging is such therapy. I know all the things I'm so afraid of are silly. I'm going to be all right. The only person who will be judging me Thursday is me. The students, including my student director, are all too worried and excited and nervous and anxious about auditions and this play to judge me. All they care about is nailing their audition. And the choir director? Every time I walk in the room, she gives me the greatest welcome ever, and she has been cheering me on with every little step I've taken towards being the hired director of this play. I can't imagine her going, "Oh, that Elizabeth, she is such a horrible director. I can't believe how terrible those audition forms were!" It's ridiculous that I should be so nervous.

But I'm nervous. It's that middle school crush on your childhood best friend. Everything's so great, and you definitely don't want to ruin it, but it is the biggest crush ever. You're going to explode if you don't tell them! And nothing in the world matters more. It's a life or death situation. You could DIE.

I love middle school crushes.

P. S. Just for certain bozos, let's be clear: the crush thing is a metaphor. I don't have a crush on any of my students. That'd be, well, weird; they're my students. The only person I have a crush on is Kristen Bell.